What's Next?

I guess life was fairly uneventful for the remainder of the week. My family got in town late Friday night, I worked Saturday morning then headed over to see them on Saturday night. My uncles had a big party for my Mom so that everyone could get together to see her, and I think my aunt counted 72 people in attendance. That was actually not the whole family though...we come in huge numbers. Aimee was being boring and wanted to go to bed, but Roxanne, my cousin Anna and I wanted to go out. So they dropped their children off for my cousin Hayley to babysit.

Then we went back in time.

Roxanne wanted to meet up with my cousin Ellen who was at this place known as "Back-of-Marley". One of those mythical places I had heard my grandmother talk about all of my life that I didn't know where it really was or that people went there. I was told to watch for deer, don't drink too much because the road is curvy, and when I get to the bayou at the end I was there. Ooookay. So I follow all of these steps and when I arrive at the shack at the bayou we are all just a little nervous to enter. And rightly so. Beer was only $1.75, and they only took cash, no tabs. It was ultimately strange. There were definitely 15 year olds drinking in there.

Sunday morning I had to work yet again and then headed back over to my aunt's house where my family was staying. My mom was really sick all night from something she ate during the day so we really didn't get to enjoy the Super Bowl, as fabulous as at turned out. So yesterday morning, my family was supposed to head back to Dallas, but Aunt Denise decided to sneak her into the office of this oncologist that she knows to get my mom some fluids. Long story short, the doctor thought she needed more than fluids and stuck her in the hospital. So she was placed in the hospital and Aimee, Roxanne, Jack, Madisyn and Cleary had to go home. I slept on a hospital couch last night and, honestly believe that I could sleep anywhere. I didn't move until the light came on this morning at seven. About that same time my phone started ringing, everyone wanted to check to see how my mom had done in the night. Roxanne was blowing up my phone but I was still trying to sleep so I ignored her. I finally got up to put on my work clothes, then the doctor came in and said that my mom was doing MUCH better and then Uncle Jerry came to relieve me. I called Roxanne back on my way to work with no avail.

When I got off of work I had another handful of missed calls, one of which was from Prissy, Cleary's babysitter and a good family friend so I called her back first. She was asking about my mom and we were just chatting when she said, "Are you going to go to the funeral in Chicago?"

".....What funeral?"

"Oh shit, they hadn't told you yet? I'm so sorry, call Roxanne."

"I've BEEN calling Roxanne! Did my grandmother die?"

"No, your aunt."

"...Which one?"

"Roxanne." [Technical comment: Aunt Roxanne is my dad's sister who my sister is named after.]

Aunt Roxanne has been a drunk for like twenty years. She has been living with my poor grandmother who enables her for about fifteen of them. Yesterday my Aunt Lisa had taken Granny to the hospital because she was not feeling well, and an hour later, the house burned to the ground with Aunt Roxanne still in it.

The woman has been killing herself for years. Yesterday just turned out to be the day she died, she was a miserable person whom I have resented for a long time for the way that she lead her life and they way it affected my grandmother. Thank God she was in the hospital when it happened. Last year Aunt Roxanne had gotten drunk and passed out with a cigarette in her mouth and caught herself on fire. We don't know what happened yesterday, but I think we are pretty much all assuming it was a similar incident.

Never a dull moment. I'm going back to sleep at the hospital again tonight, and hopefully my mom will get released tomorrow!

You Can't Make This Stuff Up.

I failed to mention the excruciating pain I suffered through because of that horse. I had to sleep on my stomach for a couple nights, and couldn't sit down for a while. But the pain slowly moved from my rump, to the insides of my thighs to the point that walking became a chore. I'm fine now.

Work is really great, everyone is super nice....Look people, the excitement to write about whatever happened since Sunday night has dissolved under the acidic tale from last night. Ready? Actually there is no way to prepare for this...

We went out last night. It was "girl's night"---something I don't particularly like to be a part of, as I am 24 and single, and I think "girl's night" is for old married women. I met Jill and Jude for a drink and dinner before heading to The Loft to help my friends put down a few bottles of wine. Amanda, Heather, and Heather's new coworker, Danielle were listening to me rant and rave about the stories of my life. It was all very lovely, telling them about the Brock and Austin happenings. Somehow I had made it ten minutes into this story without ever mentioning Austin's name, though I'm not quite sure how. We were talking about how Austin still doesn't have a job and how it doesn't matter because he was poor even before he lost it. Heather asked me where he used to work and I told them, then the girl named Danielle made a very interesting comment, "I knew someone who worked there." We asked who, and she said, "Austin."

I felt my body suddenly explode with rage, and the sheer shock of what was happening at that moment. I could feel the tension and confusion rising as Heather and Amanda were not fully prepared for what I was about to say. In the five seconds that had passed since she said his name, I was sweating and couldn't tear my eyes off of her left hand, complete with wedding ring.

"You are the girl that Austin cheated on me with."

Boom. I think I saw Heather and Amanda jerk from the recoil of my words. We sat there in shock as Danielle tried to say it wasn't her, tried to claim that she was in a happy marriage, tried to move the guilt to her friend. But she couldn't, I knew too much. I knew the girl's name was Danielle, she was married and the fact that she knew Austin and where he worked was enough, but I had the final piece. "Is your mom alive," I asked, and as she said "No" with confusion in here eyes I watched the confusion turn to defeat as she realized that I had confirmed her identity.

In October of 2008, Austin and I had been dating for nine months and it was pretty rocky. Things weren't going well and one night he went out without me. A week or so down the road, he calls me drunk and upset. He told me that he had met a girl. He told me that he had been talking to her and how sorry he was. As the days unfolded, I gathered more and more information: she was married and unhappy, her name was Danielle, and she wouldn't stop calling him. He said it had gone as far as her calling his work to get his office number when he stopped answering her calls. She said she would leave her husband if he would leave me. He told me he had stopped talking to her but, lets be real, I got burned and I didn't trust him. One game day Saturday, I picked up his phone and walked into the bathroom. The things I read on there were perverse, hurtful and I can honestly say that I've never been more angry. I calmly stepped out of the bathroom, interrupted Austin's conversation with his friend, threw his phone at him and demanded that he bring me home. He looked terrified, as he rightfully should have. As he was driving me home, and admitted to kissing this girl, nothing could have prepared him for the force of my fist as it plowed into his face. It felt soooo good. In hindsight, it may have been kind of dangerous but at the moment the thought of oncoming traffic hadn't occurred.

I was really angry for a long time. I would periodically check his phone, and he would always be sure to tell me when she was stalking him. I had told him that in order to keep me he had to expressively tell his mother what he had done. I like to think that hurt him more that my right hook. One Sunday night we were up at Sammy's drinking, as was our ritual. I think I had had quite a bit to drink, when he told me that ole girl was calling him again because her mother had died and she needed support and her husband had found out about her cheatin' ways. I texted her something profane from my phone, explicitly asking her to never contact my boyfriend again. It really was pretty horrible, but this isn't about me.

So last night when she realized that her lies could not prevail, she and Heather went outside. I turned to Amanda and can honestly say that I've never seen a look like that on someone's face. She tried to tell me that I could not make accusations such as these if I wasn't one-hundred percent sure, and I assured her that I was. About that time, Meg R walked in the door and I had to give her the run down of the goings on very quickly. Heather came back over to us, confirmed the allegations, and told me that Danielle wanted to talk to me. I told her no. I had nothing to say to her. I do not like confrontational situations, this girl clearly wanted to not seem so bad, plus we were all in shock. She came back in, and said she was leaving. I turned to her and said, "Look, you don't need to leave. It's all in the past, people make mistakes and I'm not even with him anymore."

So she sat back down, we all sipped our wine as we tried to stop reeling from the events that had just occurred. Only my life. I feel like I should go down to the gas station and tell Charlene.

Interesting Opportunities/Poor Decisions/Bad Choices

Three phrases, one in the same. We will get back to this idea shortly.

I got home on Thursday night at about nine, an headed to B's to hang out with him and once again, Aunt Sandy. We had a good time, Aunt Sandy left and we went to sleep. He got up on Friday morning and went to work. I went back to sleep. I had a job interview at 2pm at this bistro around the corner from my house. After two months, I FINALLY HAVE FOUND EMPLOYMENT. WOOOHOOO! There were monsoon rains but I was so happy and headed to Tiffanie's to hang out for a little bit. B texted me later in the afternoon to see if I wanted to go get a beer to celebrate my employment. I had to sit in Friday afternoon traffic but I made it to meet him. We had a couple, went home, he showered and changed, and then we headed out to find some sushi. Our favorite sushi restaurant was packed at 8:30 at night so we drove around until we agreed on Italian food. We sat at the bar at this particular restaurant and I realized I had made a crucial error. I had sat on his left side---the side with his good eye. That means, when he is talking the ear off/irritating people with his volumes of knowledge and suggestions, I couldn't make faces at them to let them know to escape. It was whatever, but I know a particular bartender who will from now on be weary to speak to their patrons.

We didn't get out of the car when we got back to his house. He started talking about all sorts of serious stuff, about me and him and I just wanted to go inside. But then he said, "I really believe you are the one for me."

Saturday morning he leaps out of bed because, heaven forbid, we had left glasses in the sink from the night before and they apparently had to be washed immediately. It was ridiculously dramatic. He did laundry, mopped and cleaned the kitchen. None of which, in my opinion, were pertinent at the time. I just sat on the couch and watched a movie while he did all of this and made breakfast. Well that was another doozie. He made this black beans and eggs and quesadillas brunch which was good, but I was not that hungry so he complained when I did not eat it all. I then made one fatal error: I told him that my friend's brother is hot. He.Lost.It. Apparently you just can't say that to some people because it makes you an inconsiderate and unappreciative person.

Who knew?

Not me, obviously.

So I left, and was going to Caprice's to do some stuff when Darah calls me in a panic. Her new boyfriend is the coach of the community college baseball team, it was their first game and she didn't want to go alone. It was freezing. I've never hated baseball so much in my life. After he saw that she had arrived, I begged to leave and finally we did, but not without frostbite. I got to Caprice's cleaned the kitchen unloaded the groceries and managed to make cupcakes without remembering to add the oil, although they turned out seemingly unphased by their lack of cholesterol. By six the house was filled with the screeches of six seven-year-olds. I talked to B, he had calmed down and wanted to go to a concert. Later that night I picked him up, and we went find some food. We ended up going to Sammy's because, once again, our sushi restaurant was packed, and if you haven't figured it out yet, Brock Ballow is severely impatient. My friends were not all happy to see me there with him. Especially Little CC. It was fine though....we headed to the bar to go to the concert and I was cold and tired. I sat there, miserable while he heckled me about how I wasn't having any fun. Well, lets be real, I wasn't. I told him I was going to leave and he said he would ride home with a friend, but he decided against that and left with me.

In the ten minute ride home he continued to talk about himself: He wants to buy a french horn. He had a full scholarship playing classical french horn which enabled him to see the entire world and now he wants another french horn and maybe should try out for the symphony and BLAH BLAH BLAH....

I pulled into his driveway while he was explaining about how the cd he bought from that concert was not recorded well and he could show me how music should really be recorded because thats what his degree is in...[insert pistol in my mouth...] He was getting out of the car and realized that I was not. Also not his best moment. I went home and went to sleep. I felt bad when I called him on Sunday morning and went over there to talk to him. His tone of voice was not kind, it was kind of like a yell but without the scream. Telling me about how I have no goals, I always look angry and he feels like he his taking care of a child because he always pays for everything.

(Whitney suggested that if he doesnt want to pay for things he should move NORTH of the Mason-Dixon Line. I laughed a lot.)

Anyway, I couldn't maintain my composure anymore. After he told me that he didn't remember saying all of the things he had, about loving me, and telling me that I was the one, I let my honesty flow. I told him that he talks too much, he is not modest and he talks about himself more than anyone should. I held my tongue about the size of certain appendages. I was so proud of myself for that. Then I turned and walked out.

I was crying by the time I got to the gas station on the corner. I walked in sobbing, dressed in pajama pants and a Christmas sweatshirt. The attendant, a black woman named Charlene with one golden tooth in the front said, "How are you today, baby?"

"Well, its not my best day."

"Well why not baby?"

"Men suck."

"Oh yes indeed! They sure sure do! What did this pa-tic-ala' man do to you?"

"He is just crazy and said he didn't think he should be paying for everything."

"Oh Lawd! Nah aint dat somethin! Get ridda him! What does he think this is, not wantin' to pay when he takes out a woman? Baby, don't go back to him. I know, I know we are women and we are foolish and always go back, but be strong baby, be strong! You are way to beautiful to be cryin'! Nah have a blessed day!"

I felt remarkably better after I left. It was Sunday Funday and I was destined for fun. Regan called me and asked what I wanted to do....I requested riding a horse. I watched some episodes of Friends before going scoop her up. We stopped and had margaritas with Jill, Jude and Mickey. I love that Jill's boyfriend is 54 and has money. It makes drinking so much better. We told dirty jokes and stories of my life. I always refer to my experiences as "poor decisions", Regan calls them "bad choices" but dear Jilla decided that they are truly "interesting opportunites". I like that. At 4, Jill had to be at work and I was ready for a change of scenery, so Regan and I went to Al's to ride the horse. I wouldn't suggest riding a horse while under the influence, but I hadn't ridden a horse in 15 years and enjoyed the hell out of it. We drank beer, ate some roast beef sandwiches and played basketball. All in all a great day.

Incidentally enough, that night when my judgement was clouded by mind altering substances, I texted Austin. He texted back that he never wanted to talk to me. I sent him, "I don't know why you hate me" just before I fell asleep. I just happened to wake up at 2:30am and noticed I had a missed call and voice mail from him. It was kind of long, as he went on and on about how he doesn't hate me and could never hate me but I hurt him so badly....I called him back. We talked for an hour and a half, and as I was falling back to sleep just after 4am, I remembered that I began my new job in approximately six hours.

more soon.

I don't like reading about people I don't know so I have decided to add pictures of the characters in my chronicals. If there is someone I a often speak of an have never posted, please let me know.

This is Jill, Darah, and myself at my birthday party laaaast year. We are pretending to ride the "Alimony Pony"

And I totally forgot about this picture. This is me and Jill pretending to be pirates! ARRRR!

Back to B. Maybe.

....the next morning he got up at 8:30, I'm sure to wash the sin off of his body. Wild horses could not have woken me up yet. When I got up at 10:30 he had made breakfast and was watching the movie that we were supposed to watch the night before. I had no desire to eat this yellow corn grits with peppered pork but I choked down as much as I could. It was relatively awkward. I vaguely remembered him inviting me the night before to watch the game with him and his friends but wasn't going to bring it up just in case it was a drunk invite. Then he said, "I have an extra Brees jersey if you want to borrow it."

"For what?"

"Aren't you still going to coming to Parrain's today to watch the game with me?"

"Oh yeah...of course."

We sat around for a little while longer. Then I had to get out. I was feeling super awkward and uncomfortable all of the sudden. So I gathered my belongings, hugged him bye, told him I would see him at three, then immediately texted my friends when I got in the car. I talked to Darah and told her that I didn't think it meant anything. We are just friends who happened to sleep together by accident. I didn't think anything more of it. I went to Caprice's to get some clean laundry and it was wild there because she and her friend Michelle were trying to get out of the house and head to New Orleans for the game. I was giddy like I haven't been giddy in forever. Like happy enough to skip around. I left there, headed to my cousin Ashley's, chatted with her for a few minutes and then headed home to change.

When I pulled up at Parrain's I was suddenly a nervous wreck. I called Darah and she forced me to go inside. I didn't know these people, and what if B didn't have enough attention for me? I sucked it up, and went in. It turned out to be a lot of fun. Everyone was super nice and I talked to this girl named Kim mostly. B and I split a chicken sandwich and drank a whole bunch of beers. Brock's Aunt Sandy came too. She was interesting to say the least. Long, dyed red hair, some studded boots and demanded when she ordered bloody marys for a "dick on a stick"....a straw with two olives and an okra in between. I had a really great time. There turned out to be a ton of people that I know. Baton Rouge is the biggest small town. My dear friend Lawson came and met up with me. She and I are sitting there talking about what happened between me and B. I reiterated to her that we were JUST FRIENDS and that the previous night was a fluke. At that very moment I felt B come up behind me and start playing with my hair. WTF. Then they start talking about how beautiful my hair is. I looked up at him standing over me, and he leaned down and kissed me.

I turned to Lawson, "Well.....that was something?" She agreed.

She left, Sandy got drunk, Kim and I took shots and B wandered around and talked to people. B came and sat down in between Kim and I started playing with my hair again. What happened next almost caused me to fall down. He looks at Kim, with his hand still in my hair and says,

"I love this woman so much. Isn't she beautiful?"

At this point I can honestly say I didn't know what to think. By the end of the game, before overtime, we were wound up and ready to go. We hurried back to his house to watch the end of the game. As Garrett Hartley, my first grade classmate, kicked the winning goal and B was tearing up he was so excited. We were sitting on the couch when he looks at me and says, "Erin, I love you. I love you so so much. I just don't understand why we love each other so much" I smiled at him, kissed him and said, "You know how much I love you, and I don't really want to change any of that." Then we went to bed. We were asleep in all of five minutes.

So I still don't know the status. I do not want to bring it up. I left the following afternoon to come to Dallas for a few days to stay with my mom. I thought it was best, so I wouldn't be too clingy and could work on being aloof. I am headed home on Thursday because I have a job interview on Friday. B said that it didn't matter what time I get home on Thursday night, he wants me to go crawl in bed with him. I have no problem with that. I know that B wouldn't use me or lead me on, I am just so afraid of getting hurt again. But only time will tell.

pictures from the road

me and percy

heather and regan

morning fire time

our only means of flushing the toilet....

Part Two...in multiple regards

....so I slept in the back seat on the way there because I knew if I didn't take a nap I would never last all night. When we arrived in the wilderness, to a completely plywood lean-to, after traveling down all dirt roads for quite some time in the Civic, it was still storming and now pitch black outside. And as our luck would have it, in the freeze the week before the pipes had busted so there was NO running water. But better yet, as we were unloading our earthly possessions (vodka), the power went out. So we loaded back up and went somewhere down more unpaved, muddy roads until we arrive at the camp of some people who were respectively named: Terry, Larry and Sherri. I shit you not, and there was also one named Vicki with a super raspy voice. Terry and Larry fired up a chainsaw and started cutting down a tree to make a fire because there was still no electricity. The solution to this fire though, was my favorite part. Kerosene. Didn't need electricity after that. I don't know how long we stayed there or how much I drank but when the power came back on we headed back to the plywood lean-to. I built a super bad ass fire and we drank more and roasted hot dogs. I have no concept of what time any of this was occurring. Debauchery ensued and I went inside to take a little nap. I woke up at five a.m. to find Heather and Regan still up. Apparently, during my nap, they were drunk and bored so Heather decided to give Regan a "tour", if you will, of the area. The counted 31 deer, 1 rabbit, 2 coyotes and 1 armadillo before lodging the Civic in the kind of mud that they described as quicksand and that when Regan stepped out of the car, sank up to my knees. Thank God I was asleep in the lean-to for all of this. Luckily, in that tiny hole in the wilderness, Heathers phone worked and and she was able to contact her boyfriend, who had to get out of bed to come pull them out with a Bronco. You could not see out of the windows of my car. AT ALL.

So I got up and started drinking again. It was not until the sun came up that we went to bed. When we woke up though, we had a problem: we could only thinking about packing vodka, and had brought NOTHING else to drink. And remember kids, the water didn't work and we had been using pots to scoop water out of puddles in the dirt road to flush the toilet. It was so real. And so were the headaches. The only thing I could think about was making another fire. So I did.
I can't remember any more of this story and quite honestly I have gotten myself into so much trouble the last couple weeks I can't even remember all of the highlights. But here's the latest:

I think it was last Wednesday night; I was bored so I called B to see what he was doing....you know, to try this "friendship" thing a little more. I had talked to him a few times in the past week or so and just wanted to see his face. We watched American Idol and then The Hangover and naturally, had a super good time. When I was leaving he hugged me so long and so tight I thought I was going to go crazy. It was so difficult, the whole night, us sitting on the couch next to each other, (because Glo was there and plopped down next to B so we were all scrunched together) and we just ignored the giant elephant in the room which was the explosive sexual tension. Lets just be honest here, its hard. So on Friday night I had gone out with a bunch of friends for one of their birthdays to dinner and see Better Than Ezra. I was really just in it for the company and of course the drinking. While we were sitting there eating, my phone rings. Its B. He was just seeing if I wanted to hang out and yadda yadda yadda, I was all aloof and told him I would call him tomorrow. I actually ended up calling him when I got home because I couldn't find my house keys and was just going to go crash at his house but he didn't answer (bc he is like dead when he is asleep) and I dug around in my car enough after I convinced myself that it was NOT okay to sleep on my porch.

Saturday: I had done some stuff at my cousin's on Saturday and then went home in the evening and watched Friends dvds. When I got sick of that I called this girl Courtney that I met at my birthday party to see what she was doing. They were going to a club....and lets be real, I'm white, I got to bars, not clubs. But after much pleading she convinced me. I was there for all of ten minutes and was ready to cry when B called. "I AM IN A LIVING HELL", I said. He laughed and told me where he was going and to get the hell out of "the club". I chugged my beer, told Courtney bye and skipped out. When I found B at Chelsea's he was outside talking to some guy. He looked so cute. We all talked and drank and what not, then went inside to listen to the band for a little while. Then we were sitting up at the bar, he ordered us a couple drinks, and then looks at me and says, "You 'bout ready to go home and watch a movie?" I've probably never said 'yes' to anything more quickly in my life. Not very much later, I found myself sitting on the couch with him, not paying half a mind to the movie he was watching. I looked up at him, leaned over, and kissed him. And it was wonderful. :):):):):):):)

...tune in tomorrow, for the rest of the story.

I'mmmmm Baaack!

Looking over my last post its unbelieveable how much trouble one person can get into in just a week if they really try. Or don't, either way.

Houston turned out really well: we saw the doctor, she was super thorough, she concured with mostly everything my mom's oncologist in Dallas has done and then she released us. Baller. We only had to be there for one day! One thing about this doctor that I could not get over is how beautiful her hands were. My mom told me I'm sick. But seriously, she had BEAUTIFUL hands. So we got to go home, but not before we had an excrutiating dinner in which I had to appologize profusely to the server for my aunts' behavior. They were so out of control I don't even want to get into it. Aunt Denise and I laughed the whole way home about how Aunt Elise had taken the last crumb of everything on the table. She could totally be on "Hoarders" for food. Its something so serious.

I dont remember what I did on Wednesday except for that I was getting kind of sick. Thursday and Friday I was making poor decisions that I will not get into, but on Saturday when Heather, Regan and I woke up and started drinking again, nothing good could have come from that. At around noon on Saturday we thought it would be fun to ride a train. But we couldn't figure out how so one of them decided we should go camping. Bad news bears. So we went to Regan's and got her stuff, then to Heathers to get her stuff and then we were going to take my car from Heathers because it is the most reliable. Well they start asking me for my keys and I'm like, "Regan, they are in your hand, stupid." ....but as it turns out, my car key was not there. I cannot imagine for the life of me where it would be. I drove to Heathers on Friday night, she drove us to the bar...so I hadn't used them since the night before. So weird. We headed to my house to find my spare key, and grabbed my crap and went back to Heathers and loaded up the ole Civic. I have had the thing for less than three years and have managed to lose two keys. C'est la vie. So Heather is driving, Regan is shot gun, and I'm in the back seat with the ice chest and the puppy, Percy. We have been drinking all day, its storming and now we are going to the wilderness of Mississippi.....

...I'll finish this later.